Ah baba da ba ha LA! DOOOOOOOOOO! Aba? Ba? Mama ma, da! Haaaa DA!

Uhh, wait a minute.

Mommy says that I’m not allowed to speak Noranese, ’cause you people don’t understand it. I tried to tell her that you should learn, but apparently some of you lack ambition. So instead I have to learn English. Explain to me how this is fair? I’m just a baby! I can’t even read! Yet I’m supposed to learn English, while you all sit there and refuse to take a Noranese class? DOOOOOOOO!

But okay, whatever, I’ll humor you.

My name is Nora and I want to tell you all about my Daddy. He’s a really good Daddy. He likes to tickle me and stuff, which is cool. Even better is that I can totally take him in a rumble. Ask Daddy about the time that I gave him a concussion. No, really… ask him. I’ll wait.

…

….

…..

See, wasn’t that a great story?

So yeah, I can take my Daddy in a rumble. He’s a pretty good sport about it most of the time. I mean, when you consider that I’m only 2 and 1/2 feet tall, give or take a few inches, and he’s 5’6”… I don’t really get why he’s smiling. But he is! And that’s part of why he’s a great Daddy. I don’t think I’ll be smiling if my one-year-old can beat me up someday, but Daddy still smiles at me and laughs with me and loves me. That’s pretty cool.

And there are other reasons why my Daddy is great too. One of them is dinner. Mommy works late, so Daddy gives me my dinner every night before we go to pick up Mommy at the train station. Daddy is an awesome dinner-giver! I get to have lots of fun stuff, like wheat pasta and pitas with hummus and Boca cheeseburgers. And yeah, he usually makes me eat fruit with dinner and sometimes he gets all sneaky and tries to give me vegetables, but I don’t really mind. And when I do mind, I just throw the offending food on the floor, and Daddy generally gets the point.

Speaking of throwing things on the floor, did you know that the proper way to do it is to lift your arms above your head, toss with all your might, and say “DOOOOOOO!” as you release the object that you’re throwing? If that’s not how you’ve all been throwing stuff, you’ve been doing it wrong. See, this post is educational! But back to dinner…

Occasionally Daddy will persist in trying to serve me the evil fruit or vegetable, even after I’ve very clearly indicated my displeasure by throwing it on the floor. When this happens, I have to throw a tantrum. Hey, I don’t wanna do it, but it’s in the Toddler Rulebook… I have no choice.

Throwing a tantrum while in the high chair is tough. The trick is to get Daddy to take me out of the chair first. I usually do this by crying and banging my head against the back of the chair and sweeping everything off my tray with a flourish. Then Daddy’ll take me out so that I don’t hurt myself.

Depending on my mood, sometimes I’ll get distracted at this point and decide to play instead of finishing my tantrum. But if I’m still mad, this is when I carefully make my way down to the floor, gently place my head on the tiles, and begin to wail. Now, take note: some toddlers throw themselves onto the floor for this stage of the tantrum, but not me. I don’t want to hurt my head! So I get down carefully before proceeding. This is, in my opinion, a preferable method. But hey, if you want to bang your skull into the ground for your tantrums, I can’t stop you.

So I’m on the floor, and I’m wailing and kicking my legs around. Daddy is watching me and trying to figure out what I want. Sometimes I forget why I’m mad and decide to stop on my own. Other times, I need Daddy to make me feel better. Daddy always does make me feel better eventually. Like I’ve said, he’s a good Daddy.

Lest I make it sound like Daddy’s a complete pushover, I should probably tell you my secret. But you have to promise not to tell, okay? This is just between you and me! Are you ready?

*shhhhhhhhh*
I don’t like to go to sleep by myself.
*shhhhhhhhh*
Now, I know that babies my age are supposed to be able to put themselves to sleep. I can put myself to sleep, but usually I don’t like to do it. It’s a lot of work! So if Mommy finishes feeding me and I haven’t fallen asleep, I like to very politely ask Mommy to get me my Daddy. I do this by throwing my pacifier on the floor, or by yelling “Enhhhh! Enh! Enhhh!” at my Mommy. Usually I have to repeat this a few times… Mommy can be a little stubborn. But she eventually gets me my Daddy, and then life is good!

You see, Daddy is a champion rocker-to-sleep. He gets me all cuddled up in his arms and then he rocks me back and forth until I fall asleep. I get to be all snuggly with Daddy, AND I don’t have to go through all the rigamarole of trying to fall asleep on my own. It’s a win-win situation, really.

So… that’s all I’ve got for now. I’m dictating this to Mommy at naptime, and all of this talk of Daddy-rocking has made me very sleepy. I’m going to go cuddle up to my pink blankie and my stuffed puppy and take a little snooze. Being a toddler is exhausting, folks.

Night night!

I am amused by the dot, and I chase it. As you can very well see, I am not pretentious. I could opt to not chase the dot and leave it to my brother to pursue, but it’s a source of exercise and it seems to bring father and the smaller Nora human some joy to see me running about.

Tonight father is in one of his moods. He has been having allergies and has been tired, and it is usually this time of evening when he starts talking – a lot. I suspect he talks at length because he fears his brain will fall asleep. Generally he makes little sense and he tends to exasperate mother a great deal. Since smaller Nora human came, he’s been tired somewhat frequently for no reason. My second hypothesis is that he is trying to convince himself that he is not tired by exasperating my mother. My third hypothesis is that he is trying to exasperate my mother. I have no control so I have no way of testing this – yet.

Father has repeatedly stated lately in these tired stints that he plans to stop updating the website you are reading right now. Mother insists that he not do that. Generally, father then says he could simply tell her what he is about to write, so he wouldn’t have to write it. Mother then says that he tells her these things when she is at work. I think she means that father’s speaking is provided at a time more convenient to her, unlike when father gets tired and tries to keep his brain awake.

In fairness, father says quite a few things at night which he promptly forgets, so I imagine not updating the website will not pass. Why, just tonight he suggested not using the internet! Can you imagine? My father has so many computers that I’m not entirely certain that he isn’t made out of one. He must be, as mother never seems to stop him even though she has only one. A recent anomaly is that he recently stopped playing a video game which he had played for six months. He has repeatedly told mother that it is her duty to finish the video game in the event he dies.

On the subject of anomalies, smaller Nora human is a curious being. She is unable to speak in a language that I can understand, and instead talks in a guttural language which comprises of loud long screeches and a great deal of saliva. Unfortunately she has learned the ways of a biped and now insists on following me around the house. Unlike I, she is easily amused and is convinced that I would be interested in whatever toy she might be carrying at the time. I am generally tolerant of her, as she does pet me, but she can be loud.

Ultimately, if father so decides to stop updating his website, I shall be the bearer of future entries. You must forgive me, for I do not have opposable thumbs and this space bar issue appears to be a human concern for which there is no recourse. Good night.

Denby Zeigfried Vasudevan is the author of today’s guest entry. He has a PhD. in Criminal Justice from John Jay College in New York.